Monday, April 6, 2020

Riding the pandemic wave from home

Stay safe, stay at home. This has been our directive for the past few weeks. Utah has been spared in comparison to much of the country so far, but in a pandemic nothing is guaranteed. As of today the US has over 347,000 infected and has hit a grim milestone of 10,000 deaths from the virus. 

In our house things carry on with a somewhat normal routine. The main differences we're seeing at this point is that we just don't go anywhere. We don't visit anyone. And the two grocery store trips I've made over the past month have been nerve-wracking. As of two days ago the CDC recommended that anyone going in public should wear a mask, that no one should be leaving their home except for essential services, and that we will have possibly the worst week to come. Our state feels surreal oftentimes. It feels that many if the residents see this pandemic as some far off, remote threat that can't possibly touch our state. Therefore many are out and about as usual, acting inconvenienced that they can't go to a movie or eat in at a restaurant. There is a lot of ignorance and selfishness by people who see this as an 'old person disease' and feel that since they aren't at risk that they shouldn't have to change their life. Grrrrrr!!!!! I've had anger and frustration in regards to this that's gotten to the point that I can't read a lot of news or comments anymore. The confusion, misleading 'facts' and inability to lead from our White House had intensified the tolls on our country and the individuals in our nation at this point. 

I hope and pray that there can be a clear leader, that people will all truly take the 'stay safe, stay home' directive to heart, and that we don't have to continue to see lives lost in this pandemic. 

As for now, we'll keep on homeschool, remote working, and avoiding the grocery store like our lives depend on it. 

Sunday, March 29, 2020

Owen is 9!

We celebrated Owen's birthday yesterday. His 9th birthday. I don't know how the time has gone by so fast, and honestly neither does he. Initially we had made plans to spend spring break,vwhich is the week before his birthday, in Southern Utah. The first reservations were for Kanab, the Grand canyon, and Sedona. Once word of a possible pandemic started spreading we changed the plans to Kanab and Escalante, two lesser traveled towns with hundreds of miles of land and trails. But as the epidemic from abroad turned into a pandemic hitting Utah locally, we had to cancel our spring break plans altogether. We also had to cancel any in-person birthday party for Owen. We got creative and tried to make it as memorable as possible for him though 

I ordered a package of 100 balloons; light green, dark green, and white to fill the climbing room and surprise him. I also made a surprise video chat with 'Scales and tails' to have a reptile presentation just for him. We made a Minecraft birthday cake and got ice cream (which we ate for breakfast since our freezer is dying slowly and wouldn't keep it frozen). We had video chats with Jeannie and family, and Deborah's family. We talked to Grandma Crowther on the phone and ordered Chinese take out (all restaurants are closed for dining in but many still offer take out or delivery). Then at 7 pm we went outside and lit sparklers along with 3 neighbors families and sang happy birthday for Owen. It was an unconventional but hopefully memorable birthday for him. 

At this rate it is looking definite that we'll have to do a virtual birthday party for Claire in a month as well. But for now we continue to take things a day at a time. 

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Day 14 of quarantine

It has been 2 weeks now since we've been out of the house other than for walks around the neighborhood or playing in the backyard. It's been just over a week since the 5.7 earthquake in SLC and we've had many, many noticable (and anxiety producing) aftershocks. Since this week is 'spring break', I've had the kids continue with some of their school work to keep them (and me) in a schedule, but we've had a lot of free time. 

The numbers of Covid-19 in the US are going up by the hour. We now have more cases at 82,000 here than any other country in the world. Utah just crossed the count of 400 cases and one death. The government hasn't made any changes in the past couple of weeks other than stating that schools will remain closed until at least May 1st. 

At home things have actually felt fairly normal other than no playdates or going out. It's starting to feel a bit like the movie 'Groundhog day' in that most days look pretty similar. Considering what we've all gone through lately and what others are experiencing now, I'll take our groundhog days! Owen's 9th birthday is on Saturday and I feel bad that he can't have anyone over for a party but I think we'll have a couple of surprises for him that will help make it special. 

I'll check back in soon, we'll see where life is taking us.

Friday, March 20, 2020

Strange Days; Life in a pandemic and earthquake

We are now officially through our first week in self isolation. Last Friday morning I did a big grocery shopping trip to get enough food to hopefully get us through two weeks. Since then we have had  no direct contact with anyone. We have seen neighbors from across the street and through the fence, but we have made sure to keep our minimum 6 foot distance. Life as we knew it has changed dramatically in the past few weeks and doesn't show any signs of returning to normalcy any time soon.

The U.S. started getting news of a new virus, Corona virus (Covid-19) in early January. It was localized to China but before long new cases started cropping up throughout the world. By the end of February it had made it to the United States and quickly started making people in Seattle and California sick and dying. At this time our family had been hit hard by a respiratory virus. Claire began with runny/stuffy nose, cough, and fever and ended up also getting a severe ear infection that required antibiotics. A few days after Claire began showing symptoms Owen started with a fever as well. He also had a very runny nose and cough but even as the cough began to wane his fever would not go away. We took him to the pediatrician multiple times over a 3 week period, tested him for numerous infections with blood tests, a chest x-ray, viral panel, and even abdominal ultrasound, to no avail. As of now, almost one full month after the start of his fever we still don't know what is causing it. Thankfully it has gone down and he has a pretty normal amount of energy and appetite, but it still is not completely gone. But now that we are in the age of a full blown pandemic, getting any additional testing or even a dr visit feels like more of a risk than a benefit. So we wait, wait and hope that whatever is causing his temperature to stay elevated will subside on it's own.

As of this Monday, all schools in the state of Utah are closed. We have been thrown into makeshift homeschooling in an attempt to reduce the spread of Covid-19. As of today we have 112 cases but since the availability of testing has been almost impossible, the actual numbers are likely much higher. The number of cases in the US are now at over 18,000 and the number of worldwide deaths are 11,000. In Italy alone, in the past 24  hours there were 627 Covid-19 dealths. It is unimaginable what the world is facing right now. We are all being asked to do social distancing. We are being told to not be in groups of more than 10 people and to keep a 6 foot distance when in any group. Schools, government offices, stores, theatres, libraries, rec centers, museums, campgrounds, and zoos are all closed. Restaurants are closed to public seating and only allow take out or delivery. Grocery stores (especially warehouse stores like Costco) are almost completely emptied out. It is virtually impossible to purchase toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer, or any pantry staple (flour, peanut butter, eggs). 

Tuesday was St. Patty's day. We celebrated by putting cut out paper shamrocks in the window for anyone walking by to see. The kids and I went for a walk around the neighborhood at lucnchtime to look for shamrocks on the windows of our neighbors. That night Owen decided that he was going to be a leprechaun  and make a mess in our family room. After Claire went to bed, Jake and I want into our room and Owen turned into a leprechaun, turning over chairs, throwing our shoes around the room, hiding snacks, and making a general mess. The next morning, Wednesday the 18th as I was sitting in bed, reading the news, the house started shaking. It started soft as it sometimes does when a big truck is driving down our street, but very soon the shaking got much more intense and I knew that it was definitely not a truck. At this point I heard Claire screaming from upstairs and I flew out of the bed, running up the stairs to get the kids. All the while the house is shaking like it were a boat out in a violently stormy sea. As I made it upstairs I grabbed both kids and yelled to get downstairs and outside. Jake met me at the stairs and helped Owen down and I carried Claire down and out into the backyard. Looking back, I honestly don't know how we all made it down the stairs without falling. Thankfully we all made it outside safely and put chairs out in the middle of the grass, away from anything that might fall. Since it had rained the night before and it was very cold, after the shaking had stopped I ran inside to get blankets, jackets, and my bra. For some reason I felt like it was super important to get my bra. Whatever. I called our neighbor asking if they had felt it too and if they were ok. I then called my parents to check on them and they said that according to the news it had been a 5.7 earthquake. There was an aftershock a little less than an hour later of 4.6 We stayed outside for quite awhile, worried to go back in the house in case of another large aftershock. But after a while we decided to would be ok to go back in. There were numerous small aftershocks but not another large one until just after 1 pm. Another 4.6. Feeling quite panicked we all rushed outside again and waited it out for a while. Thankfully there were no fatalities or even injuries and our house faired fine. As far as we know at this point there was no damage to our house or anyone in our family.

As for  now, I'm off to bed, hoping and praying that we've experienced the last of the earthquakes and that we can be happy and healthy as a family and as a world. Goodnight.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Hope

I have to admit that I've never been a fan of Star Wars. I've seen a few but don't remember much other than the classic fight scenes and other random Sci-Fi material in between. When I heard of the death of Carrie Fisher the other day I was saddened that we lost yet another icon this year, but it wasn't until I saw the 'Scary Mommy' article that I realized what a hero we lost. In "Carrie Fisher’s Mental Health Advocacy Shines In The Wake Of Her Death", (http://www.scarymommy.com/carrie-fishers-mental-health-advocacy-shines-in-the-wake-of-her-death/ ) I found a glimmer of hope that I haven't seen for awhile.

I have depression. I have severe anxiety. And this year has sucked.

I am currently trying to find a light in my 'episode' of anxiety and depression that has been worsening for over a year. I have kept my mental health hidden for decades due to the stigma attached to mental illness. I have shamed myself and made myself feel like less of a person because of my illness and even though I can control it most of the time, sometimes it does control me... and it's scary as hell.

I have been on anti-depressants of some sort since my teenage years. I have had good years and bad ones, and most defiantly have a love/hate relationship with medications but as I read in the article "Without medication I would not be able to function in this world. Medication has made me a good mother, a good friend, a good daughter”. As I am currently transitioning from Cymbalta to Trintillex I have mostly bad days. Transitioning off of an depressant is hard. It can be a time when your mind and your body seems to be trying to convince yourself that it won't get better, that life is always going to be impossible... but it can and will get better. I know it will,  I've been here before and I'm still alive.

In writing this I am telling myself as well as anyone else reading this who is dealing with mental illness that it (life) will be ok. Even though it seems really bad right now, things will get better. Medications, even though trial and error, will eventually work. Mindfullness, meditation, and yoga will help. The absolute undying love that I have for my family can sometimes be hard to see and feel when depression and anxiety have a hold on me, but the love will always be there.

There is hope. I will survive this. And to anyone reading who needs this- you will survive too.

“At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of. They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.” Carrie Fisher Wishful Drinking, 2008

Monday, November 28, 2016

I choose Love.

I have to admit that it almost feels like I'm getting over a broken heart. I know that most people are 'over it' and have moved on since the election, but I haven't. I feel like hate won on November 8th. As an empath I feel it all. I feel the hate, tension, fear and terror that has been running through the arteries of our nation and I have been in a really bad state, both mentally and physically for the past few weeks. Although I knew I was depressed after the results came out that Wednesday morning I am just now realizing that I have truly been experiencing what I can only assume is a broken heart. My heart is broken for humanity and the people of our nation. My thoughts go way beyond that of a political party but to the roots of why people voted the way they did. To allow a being who embodies hate beyond anything we've seen for generations...well, that is beyond me. I have been struggling with the thoughts of the future not only over the next few years, but more for that of my children. What kind of reality will be theirs when they are my age? So many thoughts and fears have run rampant in my mind that I almost became paralyzed by them. This morning I came to the realization that the only thing I can do, the only thing I have control over is that I have to choose lover over hate and fear. I cannot continue to struggle with my daily activities because of worry about the next few years and what will become of the country that I was born in. I take solace in the fact that there are so many people outraged by the election results and the fact that over 2 million more people didn't choose hate.





I have to actively work everyday on making sure that my thoughts and actions work toward spreading love and acceptance rather than let myself feel helpless and depressed. I want my kids to know that the answer is love. Bullying and demeaning anyone is not ok. Making others feel bad to make yourself feel better is not acceptable. Hate will not win. Love will always trump hate.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

The healing power of Place.

It was 3 years ago this February that Jake, Owen, and I made a drive down to Moab. My mind needed clarity and my soul needed comfort. We had been been faced with the grim prognosis of the pregnancy since Christmas and I was still trying to wrap my head around the possibility of losing my baby. Every. Single. Day. We had made a trip to the California coast in January in an effort to escape this reality and find some comfort and although it was nice, my soul was still in despair. I could not face having no control of the possible loss of this unborn being. I needed to find some peace. The red rock and solitude that can be found in Moab has always been amazing to me but this trip it felt as if each step I took through the cold red sand helped me to find the strength I needed to face the next day, and the next, never knowing if it would be the last living day for our baby girl.

Moab, Feb 2013

Moab, Feb 2013


We had been told at the 20 week ultrasound that the prognosis of a baby this far behind in growth and with a condition called 'echogenic bowel' were very grim. We got a second opinion. An amniocentesis. A FISH test. Serial ultrasounds. A third opinion. Genetic counseling. A family planning consult (which ended up being a pregnancy termination consultation). More consults. More ultrasounds. All with the underlying assumption that this pregnancy would not likely be successful. That at any point the pregnancy may cease and my delivery would be that of a stillborn. I bought a special blanket that I would use for her delivery if that were the case. We prepared ourselves mentally for the worst.

The days, weeks, and months remaining in my pregnancy after our time in Moab were still hard, but I felt at peace. I felt like I was doing everything I knew to give our girl a fighting chance and that I would be okay with whatever outcome prevailed.

In April of 2013 the best possible outcome happened. Claire was born and not only survived, but also fought and thrived from day 1. Fast forward three years and despite the trials we have all been through, she is still fighting and still thriving...but I've always had a nagging feeling of fear. Fear of the unknowns, worry that she has done so good thus far but something bad will happen and fate will rip her away from us, or that something will happen with Owen and that our family will face another life changing trial. It sounds paranoid, and maybe it is but when you've been through the emotional rollercoaster that we have over the past few years most days you feel like you're waiting for the good to end.

Owen at Fishers Towers,
Moab Feb 2013





But here we all are. Three years later and we are all here, we are all good and I love seeing that we are all thriving. I have to remember to take each day as a gift and know that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Regardless of what happens to us in the future we have today. The cool red sand of Moab in February, the clear blue skies, and each other.
Owen and Claire at Fishers Towers,
Moab Feb 2016


Just the 4 of us, Moab 2016


Claire Bear in Moab, Feb 2016