I was told today that everything we are going through will make me stronger one day.
The past month has definatly been the hardest emotional time of my life. It is one thing to fear for something that you have some control over, but when it comes to the life of an unborn child you are carrying...at some point you have to just surrender to the eventuality of nature.
Our 20 week ultrasound was the day after Christmas and the news was anything but a gift. We were told that the baby was measuring very small, two weeks behind, and that there was also a bright, 'echogenic' bowel. Without invasive testing there would be no answers as to the cause or outcome. That day an amniocentesis was performed and two excruciatingly long weeks later, after the gamut of 'what-ifs' and feelings of anger and deep sadness for what may never be, we finally got no answers. All of the testing came back negative, (which, don't get me wrong, is great), no chromosomal abnormalities, infections, or cystic fibrosis, no answers.
After refusing termination of the pregnancy we waited another two weeks, until today for a follow-up ultrasound to see if any changes had occured. The findings today are that our little girl is fighting. She has grown from 18 to 21 week size. The calcifications in the bowel area are still there but do not appear to be worse. Her size is still 3 weeks behind but she is staying on her own growth curve. Keep fighting little girl- we will fight for you too!
As for our not so little man, he amazes us each day. His personality continues to grow and become more of his own little person. He (and Jake) gets me through each day when I feel like breaking down by smiling and laughing in a way that only a little laugh can do. Whatever happens with his little sister with undoubtedly impact his life in many ways. I can only hope that the outcome will be a positive thing for all of us.
We are taking life one day at a time right now, trying to enjoy the days we have together and appreciating each other. That being said, I know my emotions come and go in waves depending on the day. Somedays are harder than others, some I realize that I feel like I'm emotionally running away, and others I just feel numb. Days will continue to come and go and hopefully miracles will happen. Hopefully prayers are answered and life will be sweet....
