Cautiously optimistic

After 9 incredibly long weeks (has it really only been 9 weeks??) of waiting for the absolute worst to happen...here we are... still pregnant and given the same phrase by two different doctors within one week.  "Cautiously Optimistic".

 After the 27 week ultrasound the radiologist who has been following us since the first ultrasound came into the room with a paper in her hand. On it were growth curves and closely hugging the very bottom line was our little girl. Super small, but keeping on her own growth curve. The other thing that she said which made me breathe a sigh of relief was that they were able to see the brain much more clearly today. At the 24 week scan there was worry about the growth and structure of the brain, enough that a MRI would be done if things didn't look better at this (the 27 week) scan. There are many things that can be 'fixed' when it comes to a neonate... brains really aren't one of them. I struggled with the thought of having a child whose trapped in their body with very limited brain function. How do you cope? How do you continue each day raising a child who will never find their potential?

Now, I'm not saying that we're completely in the clear as far as her brain goes, but this news is much better that could have been. The radiologist said that with the interval growth and visualization of the brain in this scan, along with the abdominal calcifications seeming to be stable, that she was for the first time with this baby, 'cautiously optimistic'. The radiologist then went on to say that the cord dopplers, which in my ignorant term is the blood pressure through the umbilical cord to the baby, were elevated. When explained to us by the OB doctor, elevated cord dopplers indicate a low level of blood being delivered to the baby during the relaxation portion of the blood pulsating through the umbilical cord and to the baby. Since this is the first time they had done this test it isn't known whether this has been going on for a long time or if it is a new thing...therefore follow-up dopplers were scheduled for the following week.

Cue in the second saying of being 'cautiously optimistic'. The next Thursday I go in for the cord doppler study while at work. Since I wasn't able to get in for an appointment with my OB after the cord dopplers it is planned that I'll meet with her before I leave work and after she's done with clinic. While in the ultrasound room the tech does a quick look at baby then measures the blood flow through the cord. Since I don't get any negative response from her I'm guessing that things are ok. The implications of these results could mean anything from going back to work to being a patient and having a baby that day....so to say I'm a bit nervous is an understatement. I know the tech can't exactly read the scan and tell me the results but I start fishing for some info from her... she said that things were looking good and after paging my doctor it was fine to go back to work.    Phew.    Never have I been happier to be told to go back to work. A few hours later I meet up with my doctor and she tells me that the dopplers actually look better than they did the week before. Last week they were reading 6-7, which according to her is almost no blood flow to baby during that relaxation phase in the cord...scary. This week they are reading around 4. She then went on the say that...well... normally it would be expected that the baby would be falling off the growth curve but ours is (at this point) staying on it. It was also expected that the cord dopplers would get worse, not better. And the abdominal calcifications are remaining stable and look more towards the surface- not necessarily within any organs as previously thought. So...she said, I think things are looking cautiously optimistic. Anything can happen still, there are no guarantees and she is still extremely small. It still isn't known why she has both the IUGR and abdominal calcifications (and often times that combination leads to a very poor prognosis).

Well, I guess now I am starting to feel a little of that optimism myself. In all honesty I have been feeling like at any time our little one could be taken away and that to prepare myself and lessen the blow I should pretty much just expect that to happen. I don't want to jinx ourselves by feeling too optimistic but with a little girl who is such a fighter, I can't help but want to fight right along with her. You never know what life is going to hand you. Or how you will react to something until you are actually experiencing it yourself. But this little one has shown us from the start that she's not giving up without a fight and also that the power of prayer and positive thoughts from those around us are more real than I ever would have thought.  Let's keep it moving in this direction...