The healing power of Place.

It was 3 years ago this February that Jake, Owen, and I made a drive down to Moab. My mind needed clarity and my soul needed comfort. We had been been faced with the grim prognosis of the pregnancy since Christmas and I was still trying to wrap my head around the possibility of losing my baby. Every. Single. Day. We had made a trip to the California coast in January in an effort to escape this reality and find some comfort and although it was nice, my soul was still in despair. I could not face having no control of the possible loss of this unborn being. I needed to find some peace. The red rock and solitude that can be found in Moab has always been amazing to me but this trip it felt as if each step I took through the cold red sand helped me to find the strength I needed to face the next day, and the next, never knowing if it would be the last living day for our baby girl.

Moab, Feb 2013

Moab, Feb 2013

We had been told at the 20 week ultrasound that the prognosis of a baby this far behind in growth and with a condition called 'echogenic bowel' were very grim. We got a second opinion. An amniocentesis. A FISH test. Serial ultrasounds. A third opinion. Genetic counseling. A family planning consult (which ended up being a pregnancy termination consultation). More consults. More ultrasounds. All with the underlying assumption that this pregnancy would not likely be successful. That at any point the pregnancy may cease and my delivery would be that of a stillborn. I bought a special blanket that I would use for her delivery if that were the case. We prepared ourselves mentally for the worst.

The days, weeks, and months remaining in my pregnancy after our time in Moab were still hard, but I felt at peace. I felt like I was doing everything I knew to give our girl a fighting chance and that I would be okay with whatever outcome prevailed.

In April of 2013 the best possible outcome happened. Claire was born and not only survived, but also fought and thrived from day 1. Fast forward three years and despite the trials we have all been through, she is still fighting and still thriving...but I've always had a nagging feeling of fear. Fear of the unknowns, worry that she has done so good thus far but something bad will happen and fate will rip her away from us, or that something will happen with Owen and that our family will face another life changing trial. It sounds paranoid, and maybe it is but when you've been through the emotional rollercoaster that we have over the past few years most days you feel like you're waiting for the good to end.

Owen at Fishers Towers,
Moab Feb 2013

But here we all are. Three years later and we are all here, we are all good and I love seeing that we are all thriving. I have to remember to take each day as a gift and know that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Regardless of what happens to us in the future we have today. The cool red sand of Moab in February, the clear blue skies, and each other.

Owen and Claire at Fishers Towers,
Moab Feb 2016

Just the 4 of us, Moab 2016

Claire Bear in Moab, Feb 2016