36 Weeks, the second time around

They say every pregnancy is different. Well, they couldn't be more right.

36 Weeks

At this point in my pregnancy the first time around I was still working full time- going strong- and not really even thinking about delivering anytime soon. My biggest worries then aren't even fleeting thoughts now. 

I'll hit the 3 week mark of bedrest tomorrow, and as super thankful as I am for everyone who is helping out, bedrest sucks. I know it's for a REALLY important reason that I'm staying down but this is the point in pregnancy when you're in a mad rush to get all the last minute stuff done...and nest!! Oh, well...

This is what else has been going on during my down time.

Always fun to try mom's shoes!

It's all about the numbers...

34 weeks (and 2 years)

There are a lot of numbers involved when it comes to pregnancy...they start out normal like last menstrual period to determine your estimated gestational age, then comes your estimated due date and the milestones that come along with the weeks as they pass. As the weeks went along for me it seems that the numbers became more and more important.

There was the number of weeks we were measuring behind at the 20 week scan (two), then the odds of surviving to an age of viability (meaning the likelihood of making it far enough along without the baby dying in utero), then the two weeks of waiting it would take to get the results of an amino (to determine if the baby had a fatal genetic condition). After that set of numbers came the next numbers to worry about...the cord dopplers. Each week we still anxiously await the presence of a number (meaning there is still blood flow through the cord) and that the number isn't too high. In the mean time we fervently count each and every day that goes by along with the every 3 week growth scan to measure the 'weeks' and weight that our little girl is measuring. So, at the 33 week scan she was measuring approximately 28 weeks- now about a full 5 weeks behind in growth, approximately 2.5 pounds, and having cord dopplers of 4-5. The ultrasound tech also did a informal BPP (biophysical profile), which scored an 8/8, very good news for the overall well being of our little girl (at the current moment.

Well, on that same day a new set of numbers gained importance.... My blood pressure. Up to this point in my pregnancy my blood pressure had been In a normal range but on this day, well.... We all know how this pregnancy has been going so why not add a little more excitement?? It was elevated at the clinic appointment but not enough to do anything yet. I was told to check it later and see how it was. Later it was not good, like 150'ish/90'ish range. So...into the OB triage I went for evaluation and after an hour and a half of elevated blood pressures and 2+ protein in my urine they decided to keep me over night. A 24 hour urine was started and I was pretty much restricted to hanging out in a hospital bed. Luckily, 2 days later, my bp's stabilized and I was able to go home for Easter. Now I sit, pretty much tied to the couch and bed taking my blood pressure twice a day and resisting the urge to 'do something'...anything so that this little girl can keep growing as long as possible.

A for the importance of numbers, I don't see that ending anytime soon... All I can hope for is the right ones.

Peaceful, easy feeling

I don't know what it is... maybe months of acupuncture, possible the prayers and positive thoughts from family and friends, could be my minds complete inability to think any more 'what if's, or maybe it's just my souls' knowing that everything will be alright...but I feel ok. I feel like whatever is going to happen is happening with or without my worries, fears, or hopes. Not that any of those feeling are wrong or useless but I know feel that the strenghth of this little girl's spirit far outmatched mine, and she is the one calling the shots...I'm just helping her get to her goal of life.

The BIG 2!!

Measuring up the monster crab

There is still a couple of weeks to go until the 'official' 2 year birthday, but why not celebrate such a cool birthday all month long??

One of Owen's favorite past times, the bath!

It has been quite a ride, this past couple of years. To say the least this little man has turned our world upside down. If I had to sum it up in two words it would have to be unconditional love.

Owen is a sweet, sensitive, and loves to smile. That being said, he is defiantly all boy; cars, balls, and trains are his favorite things right now. After adjusting to not being the baby anymore we think he'll make an amazing big brother! 

Can't imagine life without you little man, Happy 2nd birthday!!

So thankful that we have a few years till this is real!

Cautiously optimistic

After 9 incredibly long weeks (has it really only been 9 weeks??) of waiting for the absolute worst to happen...here we are... still pregnant and given the same phrase by two different doctors within one week.  "Cautiously Optimistic".

 After the 27 week ultrasound the radiologist who has been following us since the first ultrasound came into the room with a paper in her hand. On it were growth curves and closely hugging the very bottom line was our little girl. Super small, but keeping on her own growth curve. The other thing that she said which made me breathe a sigh of relief was that they were able to see the brain much more clearly today. At the 24 week scan there was worry about the growth and structure of the brain, enough that a MRI would be done if things didn't look better at this (the 27 week) scan. There are many things that can be 'fixed' when it comes to a neonate... brains really aren't one of them. I struggled with the thought of having a child whose trapped in their body with very limited brain function. How do you cope? How do you continue each day raising a child who will never find their potential?

Now, I'm not saying that we're completely in the clear as far as her brain goes, but this news is much better that could have been. The radiologist said that with the interval growth and visualization of the brain in this scan, along with the abdominal calcifications seeming to be stable, that she was for the first time with this baby, 'cautiously optimistic'. The radiologist then went on to say that the cord dopplers, which in my ignorant term is the blood pressure through the umbilical cord to the baby, were elevated. When explained to us by the OB doctor, elevated cord dopplers indicate a low level of blood being delivered to the baby during the relaxation portion of the blood pulsating through the umbilical cord and to the baby. Since this is the first time they had done this test it isn't known whether this has been going on for a long time or if it is a new thing...therefore follow-up dopplers were scheduled for the following week.

Cue in the second saying of being 'cautiously optimistic'. The next Thursday I go in for the cord doppler study while at work. Since I wasn't able to get in for an appointment with my OB after the cord dopplers it is planned that I'll meet with her before I leave work and after she's done with clinic. While in the ultrasound room the tech does a quick look at baby then measures the blood flow through the cord. Since I don't get any negative response from her I'm guessing that things are ok. The implications of these results could mean anything from going back to work to being a patient and having a baby that day....so to say I'm a bit nervous is an understatement. I know the tech can't exactly read the scan and tell me the results but I start fishing for some info from her... she said that things were looking good and after paging my doctor it was fine to go back to work.    Phew.    Never have I been happier to be told to go back to work. A few hours later I meet up with my doctor and she tells me that the dopplers actually look better than they did the week before. Last week they were reading 6-7, which according to her is almost no blood flow to baby during that relaxation phase in the cord...scary. This week they are reading around 4. She then went on the say that...well... normally it would be expected that the baby would be falling off the growth curve but ours is (at this point) staying on it. It was also expected that the cord dopplers would get worse, not better. And the abdominal calcifications are remaining stable and look more towards the surface- not necessarily within any organs as previously thought. So...she said, I think things are looking cautiously optimistic. Anything can happen still, there are no guarantees and she is still extremely small. It still isn't known why she has both the IUGR and abdominal calcifications (and often times that combination leads to a very poor prognosis).

Well, I guess now I am starting to feel a little of that optimism myself. In all honesty I have been feeling like at any time our little one could be taken away and that to prepare myself and lessen the blow I should pretty much just expect that to happen. I don't want to jinx ourselves by feeling too optimistic but with a little girl who is such a fighter, I can't help but want to fight right along with her. You never know what life is going to hand you. Or how you will react to something until you are actually experiencing it yourself. But this little one has shown us from the start that she's not giving up without a fight and also that the power of prayer and positive thoughts from those around us are more real than I ever would have thought.  Let's keep it moving in this direction...

It comes and goes in waves...

I was told today that everything we are going through will make me stronger one day.

The past month has definatly been the hardest emotional time of my life. It is one thing to fear for something that you have some control over, but when it comes to the life of an unborn child you are carrying...at some point you have to just surrender to the eventuality of nature.

Our 20 week ultrasound was the day after Christmas and the news was anything but a gift. We were told that the baby was measuring very small, two weeks behind, and that there was also a bright, 'echogenic' bowel. Without invasive testing there would be no answers as to the cause or outcome. That day an amniocentesis was performed and two excruciatingly long weeks later, after the gamut of 'what-ifs' and feelings of anger and deep sadness for what may never be, we finally got no answers. All of the testing came back negative, (which, don't get me wrong, is great), no chromosomal abnormalities, infections, or cystic fibrosis, no answers.

After refusing termination of the pregnancy we waited another two weeks, until today for a follow-up ultrasound to see if any changes had occured. The findings today are that our little girl is fighting. She has grown from 18 to 21 week size. The calcifications in the bowel area are still there but do not appear to be worse. Her size is still 3 weeks behind but she is staying on her own growth curve. Keep fighting little girl- we will fight for you too!


As for our not so little man, he amazes us each day. His personality continues to grow and become more of his own little person. He (and Jake) gets me through each day when I feel like breaking down by smiling and laughing in a way that only a little laugh can do. Whatever happens with his little sister with undoubtedly impact his life in many ways. I can only hope that the outcome will be a positive thing for all of us.

We are taking life one day at a time right now, trying to enjoy the days we have together and appreciating each other. That being said, I know my emotions come and go in waves depending on the day. Somedays are harder than others, some I realize that I feel like I'm emotionally running away, and others I just feel numb. Days will continue to come and go and hopefully miracles will happen. Hopefully prayers are answered and life will be sweet....

Uh-oh!

Uh-oh is Owen's new buzz word...it is said hundreds of times a day now, sometimes appropriately but mostly just because it is a cool word to say! Other than uh-oh he also says ball, choo-choo, ta-da (always said at the right time), and kitty. He is learning like crazy and loves to copy his cousins good and bad habits.

Playing in mommy's boots

Cool, new seat

We still split our week up by Jake working Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and me working Tuesdays, Thursdays, and every other Saturday so Owen gets a pretty fair share of time with both of us. Despite the little time we seem to all have together as a family we made it to Bryce Canyon in March, Moab in May, and Oregon in June. The latter part of summer was spent playing at the park and going to the zoo with family and friends. We just celebrated Thanksgiving a few days ago with my family at Deborah's house then Jake took Owen to his families while I worked the day after Thanksgiving. Now we get to look forward to celebrating the Christmas season!